Reklamo Corner

February 28, 2025 – Friday 5:00 pm

I’m not sure if starting my blog impulsively is a sign that I’m having a mental breakdown or if crying at work earlier today was the first indication. Either way, I heard that journaling can help with emotional and mental health. The problem is, I can’t stick to journaling to save my life! I think I have commitment issues not just with people, but with notebooks too(that’s a topic for another time lol).

I’ve been thinking about opening up to some people, but I’m not sure where to start. I’ve tried it before, and honestly, it left me feeling even more overwhelmed. I’ve always been seen as “the strong one” in my family, friendships, and relationships, someone who’s there for others, keeps calm in tough situations, and always smiles and makes jokes. I often find myself in a position where friends share their struggles with me, and while I want to be supportive, it can be pretty exhausting. I don’t think I’m depressed, but I feel drained. Right now, I just want to focus on my feelings for a bit. So, here I am, dumping all my traumas for everyone to see.

I’d like to share a bit about my backstory. I grew up in the Philippines under the care of my loving grandparents. When I was just 8 years old, my mom, who was a single parent, made the difficult decision to work abroad. I know she did it to make sure I had everything I needed growing up. Now that I’m older, I can only imagine how tough it must have been for her. But when I was younger, it felt like she abandoned me. My biological father left us before I was born, so my still-developing-brain thought and felt that she was abandoning me, too. Whatever her reasons were, it didn’t seem good enough to me. Every time we fought, I’d tell her I didn’t want any material stuff; I just needed her to be with me. I think my abandonment issues run deep, but we can get into that another time.

Whenever there was a school event, I tried to hide it so my family wouldn’t know. My undeveloped brain was scared that they’d show up, and my classmates would laugh at me because my parents were not the ones showing up for me. Most of the time, I pretended to be sick for me to stay home from school, and other times, I’d say it wasn’t mandatory so my family would let me skip the school event. I didn’t want to burden my grandparents with things that didn’t seem important since it wasn’t their responsibility.

But my grandma always seemed to sense when I needed someone. I never had to ask for help; she was my rock. Her love for me was unconditional. She saw me at my worst, and even though I’ve done and said things I regret, her love never wavered. I see her as my mom. I know it might be unfair to my real mom, but my grandmother is the one who has always been there for me; she’s the most important person in my heart. As I got older, I started to understand the sacrifices my mom made, and I’m grateful for the life she provided—something a lot of kids only dream of.

I moved to San Francisco when I was 20, leaving my whole life behind in the Philippines. My boyfriend at the time, who’s now my ex, was still there, along with all my friends and family. I honestly wasn’t that upset about moving; I had known it was coming since high school and had tried to put it off for as long as I could. But I eventually had to do it, after all it’s for my future.

Life here was a huge change. I had to juggle work and school, which meant doing tough jobs like cleaning restrooms. I still remember the first time I had to throw trash in the dumpster at 1 a.m.; it hit me hard, and I ended up crying. But I pushed through because I wanted to earn some money while studying.

As the years passed, I adjusted to living in San Francisco, and I was finally working in healthcare. During my first year in urgent care, I felt overwhelmed by work, and my ex-boyfriend wasn’t supportive. When I tried to express my feelings, it felt like he wasn’t listening, which led to resentment. I wanted for us to break up due to the long-distance relationship and stress, he didn’t want to end things. I distanced myself for two months, and I felt guilty doing that and he asked for us to talk in person so I decided to go back to Manila so we can talk face to face, it was the start of the Covid-19 Pandemic too.

I had to quit my job because they wouldn’t approve my PTO, so instead of a 1 month vacation it turned into 2 months. But before my flight, I asked him multiple times what he wanted to do, we don’t have to talk in person if there’s nothing to fix, but he wanted to try, and I thought that’s what I needed to do too. He was very clingy and kept on kissing me as soon as he saw me, it was very awkward for me, and I don’t know why. The past year, I gained a lot of weight, and my hair wasn’t nice because of the Philippines’ humidity. After being so touchy, he commented on my weight and hair, so I asked him to leave. He didn’t leave at first but eventually did.

The second week of January 2020, after a quick Boracay trip, I looked through my old phone and accidentally discovered his Facebook password. I don’t know why but I was shaking when I saw his password so I logged in and found messages and photos confirming he was sleeping with a coworker. I confronted him, expressing my wish to break up. We both said hurtful words that night, and he came to my house crying the next day. I told him we didn’t have anything to talk about, there was no point in talking again; what’s done is done.

Honestly, that night was tough. After all the hurtful things that were said, seeing my family cry because they saw me crying really hit home. I wiped my tears and felt this huge weight lift off my chest. I had been so miserable for the past few months before that happened, trying to figure out how to explain to my family why I wanted to break up. I didn’t even understand it myself. But that night, I finally could breathe again. I have a concrete reason to break up with him, a reason for him not to be in my life ever again, and because of that, I didn’t feel trapped anymore; my heart felt so much lighter. I didn’t cry about him after that, but I also felt guilty for feeling relieved. It was a complicated mix of emotions.

That’s all I have the energy for today, there’s still so much more I haven’t said, things I’ve buried for years without even realizing it. So, I’ll pick it up again in the next post. To be continued… because there’s still more I need to get off my chest. Thank you for letting me trauma dump 😛